So beautiful and so true...

Someone shared this very pertinent, beautifully written poem with me about having a second child.  I read it with tears streaming down my face - it really hit home and brought out so many emotions. 

Here it is:

LOVING TWO

I walk along holding your 2-year-old hand, basking in the glow of our magical relationship.
Suddenly I feel a kick from within, as if to remind me that our time alone is limited.
And I wonder, how could I love another child as I love you?

Then he is born, and I watch you.
I watch at the pain you feel at having to share me as you have never shared me before.

I hear you telling me in your own way, “Please love only me” and I hear myself telling you in mine “I can’t”.
Knowing in fact that I never can again.
You cry, I cry with you.
I almost see our baby as an intruder on the precious relationship we once shared.
A relationship we can never have again.

But then, barely noticing, I find myself attached to that new being, and feeling almost guilty.
I’m afraid to let you see me enjoying him — as though I am betraying you.
But then I notice your resentment change, first to curiosity, then to protectiveness, finally to genuine affection.

More days pass, and we are settling into a new routine.
The memory of days with just the two of us is fading fast.
But something is replacing those wonderful times we shared, just us two.
There are new times — only now we are three.
I watch the love between you grow, the way you look at each other, touch each other.

I watch how he adores you, as I have for so long.
I see how excited you are by each of her new accomplishments.
I begin to realize that I haven’t taken something from you, I’ve given something to you.
I notice that I am no longer afraid to share my love openly with both of you.
I find that my love for each of you is as different as you are, but equally strong.
And my question is finally answered to my amazement.
Yes, I can love another child as much as I love you, only differently.

And although I realize that you may have to share my time, I know you’ll never share my love.
There’s enough of that for both of you — you each have your own supply.

I love you both and I thank you both for blessing my life.

—Author Unknown

21 month angel

Even though the heading of this latest entry is 21 months, Lily is in fact 6 days away from her 22 months "mirthday", but I just felt it necessary to give an update on my precious little angel. I know I say this in almost every single post, but she is honestly too adorable, entertaining us on an almost hourly basis with her cute antics and infectious laugh.

Some of the things she is doing that need mentioning:

• Lily can now count to 12!  Something I'm very proud of as none of her little friends are doing so yet.  I think she is making up for her "slow" start with crawling and walking so at least now I can say she is doing some things ahead of her peers.
• She says "I love you mommy/daddy/ganny/boka" on a daily basis.  Just melts the heart!
• She calls Harley "Harley Boy".  Have no idea where this comes from but is ever so cute.
• Lily is still obsessed with planes and helicopters and has to run outside as soon as she hears one flying overhead.  She shouts "Hello eloplane / Bye bye eloplane!"  I'm so excited as next week we are flying to Johannesburg for my cousin's wedding.  I can't wait to see how excited she is at the airport and then of course when we board the plane and fly!  I hope she is as excited on the plane as she is when she sees them flying by.
• She is still very fond of her iPad which thankfully provides many hours of fun and educational entertainment at the same time.  It is still truly astonishing how she manoeuvres herself around the apps until she comes to the one she wants to play with.  
• Lily also knows the names and sounds of so many animals - too many to list actually.  She is amazing!
• She is stringing 3 and sometimes 4 words together to form little sentences so every day we are learning to communicate with each other better.  It is now so much easier!
• She loves listening to her nursery rhymes in my car and tells me to put them on as soon as we start our journey.  No more 5FM or KFM for mommy!  She even asks for the particular song she wants - "Nana nana nana" is for the chicken dance song; "Pokey" is for Hokey Pokey" and "Clock" is for Hickory Dickory Dock.
• Lily has started to use the potty in the evenings just before her bath.  I place her on her little potty seat and she reads a magazine while the bath water is running.  Sometimes she will make a wee, other times not.  We make a huge fuss when she does wee and just ignore the fact that she hasn't when she doesn't.  She is definitely aware of the fact that she is weeing and pooing now as she sometimes tells us just before it happens.  So I'm watching the signs for advancing her potty training although I'm in no rush with her little baby brother arriving soon.
• Sleep wise Lily is still a dream sleeping from 7:30pm-7am most nights with a decent 2-2.5 hour nap during the day, even while we are doing noisy renovations.

Now that I've listed some (actually very few) of the cute things she is doing, there are some "not-so-cute" things too:

• The temper tantrums are starting although thankfully are few and far between.  Hopefully it stays this way...
• Lily is still a terrible eater!  I battle with her on most days for most meals.  At the moment I can only rely on sausage, biltong, sometimes yoghurt, some fruit, cheddar cheese and dried fruit to fill her little tummy.  She will NOT eat anything she doesn't recognise!  Of course chocolate, sweets, ice-cream and chips go down without any problem!  I'm relying on a daily vitamin for her to get some nutrition and praying that things improve soon.  It has been like this for 6 months now so I really do hope it's nothing permanent.
• I'm not sure whether it is an age related thing or whether she knows a little brother is coming soon, but Lily will very seldom play on her own these days.  Every time she wants to do something, it is "come mommy, come mommy" with an accompanied hand gesture willing me to follow her.  Usually I wouldn't mind, but with my growing belly, it isn't easy for me to crawl on the floor, crawl into her cardboard house or sit in her sandpit!  So I feel guilty in that I find myself saying no quite often.  I try my best or we go for a drive to granny's house so her loving grandparents can take on some of the burden!  Thank goodness for my folks!

Luckily and thankfully my list of cute things versus not-so-cute things is far longer and I honestly cannot complain.  My little munckin is growing up far too quickly but I'm loving every single moment of it!

Renovations

I can't believe that we decided literally at the last minute, to do renovations on our house.  We are cutting the completion date so fine with the birth of our little guy, it is crazy!  We have been contemplating doing renovations for quite some time, but only at the 11th hour did my dear hubby give the builder the go-ahead.  The builder seems to be confident that the majority of the building will be completed by the end of March - I really hope and pray that he is right!

However scary the notion that we may still be busy with contractors, painters and the like when baby arrives, I am considerably calm about the matter.  I suppose it has to do with the fact that there isn't much I can do about the whole thing should we go over the proposed deadline.  Quite contrary to my nature, I'm at peace with the fact that the banging, unwanted intruders and mess may be a part of my life for longer than anticipated.  I'm taking the stance that should completion happen prior to our little one's arrival, we have reason to celebrate!

I'm also in complete astonishment at my angel Lily.  I had made plans to go to Granny and Grandpa during building for her day time naps due to the noise literally taking place right outside her bedroom window, but to my utter amazement, she has been sleeping through it all.  I'm truly blessed with a great, deep sleeper - long may it last!  Perhaps my fears of a crying newborn baby upsetting her wonderful sleep routine are going to be unfounded.  I can only hope!

So at the end of all the mess, noise and inconveniences, we will have an extra upstairs room which will act as a play room, TV room and a tiny office.  Gone will be the days of toys littering my downstairs lounge and hubby's bar area!  Obviously there will still be evidence of toddlers inhabiting this house in our downstairs areas, but by a far less significant amount.  I'm excited for the new decor ideas, for doing up Lily's new toddler bedroom and for our house to finally be repainted and looking gorgeous!  It will definitely all be worthwhile in the end - something I have to keep reminding myself of when the noise levels, frustrating phone calls and admin gets a little too much!  Exciting times ahead!

30 week scan

Today I went to my first scan on my own.  My hubby was extremely hectic at work so I convinced him that this scan would be absolutely routine and ultimately healthy so he wasn't to worry and that he could join me at all the others.  Thankfully, as predicted, the scan was perfect.  Our little man is growing perfectly and weighs between 1.4 and 1.6kg.  He is a big baby compared to his little sister who at this stage of pregnancy was just on 1kg.

He is still lying very much in a breech position and typically, like many breech babies, he has quite a large round head.  I'm assuming this is because his head isn't squashed lying down in my pelvis where it should be or due to the large brain our clever little boy is growing :)  Either way, the doctor still highly doubts there will be any change in his position, leaving me with punches under my right ribs and not feeling as much activity as I was feeling due to his legs almost pushing backwards towards my spine.

Due to the breech position, we are almost 100% looking at another c-section delivery.  I'm happy with that though - I'm comfortable with what the doctor recommends and what's ultimately healthier for both baby and myself.  I need to come through all of it for my little family as healthily as I went into the birth.  Thinking about this does get me rather emotional though... When I had Lily, I was so relaxed, totally excited about meeting my little girl and I honestly had no care in the world.  I wasn't nervous, anxious or scared.  However, when I think about going into theatre for this birth, I find myself getting quite overwhelmed.  I think I will be scared for Daniel, and especially for Lily.  I want to always be here for her and just hope and pray that all goes as planned during my operation.  As I said, I need to come out of this whole experience the same way I ventured into it - a healthy and happy mommy!

I know all will go well and am excited to meet my little man.  He is definitely giving us no preview of what he looks like though and definitely wants the surprise to wait until his arrival.  We tried to see him on the 3D scan on two occasions and due to his position, we couldn't get anything close to a decent picture.  So we will have to wait and see - a day short of 2 months left to go!